Not Yet Desperate
by Jobeth-S
Summary: S4 AU From after the diner scene. "He stepped closer to her, or was he? She stepped back anyhow. Her ears just kept on ringing. She didn't want to hear what he planned to tell her. That would mean the end of it. It was all a blur. What was happening to her? His voice was echoing through the empty manor, however he was only..." Broken Regina and lots of Regal Believer. OQ endgame!
1. Chapter 1

Yes, this is another one of those fics, a speculation of what would happen after the season final. I had to write it, in hope that some of you will find it entertaining. :)

So, here it goes.

* * *

'You. You did this?'

'I just wanted to save her life.'

'You're just like your mother. Never thinking of consequences.'

'I didn't know.'

'Of course you didn't. Well you just better hope to hell you didn't bring anything else back.'

* * *

Emma watched as Regina's eyes welled up with tears as the seconds passed. Seconds with them standing there like the time froze. She also saw the rage in those beautiful chestnut orbs, accompanied with hurt and dubiousness.

Regina just kept staring at Emma, blinking a few times, making her vision clear a bit. Teardrops threatening to fall, but non escaped, she didn't let them. And the former Evil Queen didn't dare to look at the reunited family, couldn't be a witness of their happiness.

Emma understood Regina's need for distraction, so she didn't take her eyes off of the brunette. She thought if she can give Regina strength with only looking, then she will stare back at her until her ocean green eyes watered, and even after that. She felt she owed her that, after all she did to her just before.

While looking into those brown depths, Emma imagined Regina considering to throw a fireball at her or strangle her right then and there or rather push her away with magic till her back collided with the diner's furthest wall. Though her rage seemed to grow as her breathing got more and more laboured, and red lips parted, non of that happened. Not a single cutting remark.

Then suddenly she just left. Without looking at _them_. Without looking at anyone at all to be precise, but especially avoiding to look at _them_.

And this didn't mean any good.

Emma somehow wasn't afraid for her own well being, no. Nor was she afraid for the Locksley's life. She was worried about Regina herself. Did she give up this easily? She never saw Regina give up a fight, especially if it was for love.

* * *

Her shoulders were shaking, her back to the diner, head bowed slightly, when Emma called after her from the door. 'Regina!'

'Leave me alone!' Sounded the unfamiliarly distorted voice of the former Evil Queen.

But the bell was ringing again anyhow when the door closed behind Emma. Ignoring the other woman's request she walked down the few stairs from the entrance of the diner.

'I'm sorry.' The blond tried. She felt she had to try, because she was beyond concerned. Was Regina crying?

'Don't talk to me! Just don't!' She turned around fast, anger spiceing her quivering words. She wanted to scare Emma off. She was the last person she wanted to see now.

'Mum?' _Her Saviour_, her Henry arrived. But truly he was both of their saviour, and also both of their Henry. His not so boyish face frowning with worry.

'Henry.' Regina fought to compose herself. Were there too many tears to mask? Her voice won't clear soon either. She managed a slight smile for him. Only for her little prince. And her walls were on too for Emma. And for whoever else decided to join them outside the too crowded diner, filled up with peasants offering their forgivness for The Evil Queen. Or so they were saying...

Henry's worry didn't ease though as they continued talking. He wanted to go home with his brunette mother, but Regina assured him that she was fine. She just needed to be alone, and he should stay, otherwise he would miss his uncle's celebration. He hesitated, studying her features concerned. Truly, he had no place to argue with her, she was a grown woman after all. But he was relieved when she at least aggread to have breakfast together tomorrow morning.

They hugged, than separated, so Regina was able to reassure him with another weak smile, holding his sweat face in her hands.

'You can call me, if you change your mind, if you want me to spend the night.' Sounded Henry's deepening voice again.

He was talking to her like an adult. And it made her both proud and angry. Proud of him and angry at herself. He, acting as a grown-up also made her chuckle shortly. 'Thank you, Henry.' Because he was so selfless and kind, just the way she raised him to be.

Seeing his mother smile, even if only for a brief second, made Henry sure that he will be able to make her happy again. 'I love you, mum.'

She kissed him on the forhead before she also said her goodbye. 'I love you, too, Henry. I don't know what I would do without you.'

But Emma could imagine.

* * *

She was fine. She really believed, that she was fine.

A good cry, that was all she needed.

She felt tired, and that was good, too, because she would fall asleep easily this way. Tired to the bones, her head feeling heavy and empty. Her heart though, her heart felt confused.

She was glad though, she really needed a good night's sleep. Not only after tonight's events, but also after all the fight she recently had with her sister.

Her throat suddenly constricted at the thought of Zelena. She was dead too, like everyone else she had a blood-relation to. She refused to cry though, because she still had Henry. And the thought of her son, of him caring about her made her heart swell.

But before she could turn to climb up the stairs to have her well deserved rest, there was a knock on the front door. Was it Henry? She wasn't really in a mood to see anyone else. Not even...

Robin. She almost shut the door in his face.

She never expected him to come to her this soon. She did not expect to see him this soon. She didn't know what to say, it was so strange. She thought she had time, she thought she had more time to get herself together, more time to hide behind hope. But her hope died fast, couldn't even build. He was different. He was careful.

They were happily kissing an hour ago, and now she felt like he was a stranger. She didn't know this Robin, she didn't know the husband of Marion.

He stepped closer to her, or was he? She stepped back anyhow. Her ears just kept on ringing. She didn't want to hear what he planned to tell her. That would mean the end of it.

It was all a blur. What was happening to her? His voice was echoing through the empty manor, however he was only whispering his kind words.

He repeated again and again, that he still loved her, and that he was sorry.

But.

But _he needs time_.

_He needs time._

And that's not that bad, that is not a _no_. But it still hurts, because in the end there will be a _no_ for her anyway.

She just nods, can't utter a word, but she agrees, because she is good now. And while being good, she can't hurt people, definitely can't hurt good people.

She can only hurt herself.

* * *

He left behind the smell of forest. She shouldn't have let him go like this. She would die now to kiss him, to hold him. Would he, too?

Will she be able to delay her breakdown till he decides her fate? She wasn't sure.

_He needs time._

It kept echoing in her head as she walked to the couch to sit down, her legs shaking dangerously. Her whole body shaking.

She cried out a very loud, broken cry. She shooke violently, blood boiling, and she would cry, but no tears are left to shed. She was empty.

How could he choose her against Marion. Marion, the innocent, good soul, the mother of his child. And how dare he give her false hope, that he even might choose her. This evil, this monster, this hoplessly unfortunate soul.

She cried out again, as she throw a glass vase to the wall.

TBC?

* * *

What do you think? I really would like to know your opinion, because my beta didn't like the story at first, but I changed some things, and posted it...

Review please?


	2. Chapter 2

Hi! I don't know if anyone is still reading this... I really hope that someone is still with me on this journey...

If you have already read the first chapter before october, you should consider rereading it. I changed some things to make it better. Don't worry, the plot is the same.

So again english is not my first language, but it doesn't stop me from playing with it while creating a story. I just love it! And I am trying to do something different with my writing in this piece. Hope you'll enjoy it! Though I'm not sure you are noticing it at all, but either way, please be nice and review if you think! Thank you!

All mistakes are mine and I apologise for them! :)

* * *

The next morning Henry was knocking continually on the white front door of the flawlessly white mansion. Always giving some time for his mother to answer by leaving heavy silence between the sections of knocks. He was accompanied with his grandmother, who looked almost as worried as Henry felt himself to be. He watched as she almost tore the paperbag she was holding into pieces because she was clinging to it so thightly. After realising this she hastily changed the position of her grip on the bag -which of course hided apple turnovers.

When there had been no response for five minutes, Henry hesitantly took his spare key from his pocket. He was prepared for this. He was prepared to get in, no matter what. But was he prepared to see anything they could find inside? How much did yesterday evening's events really affect his mother?

After a shared glance with Snow -mirroring each other's unease, he put the key into the keyhole, and slowly unlocked the door.

Everything was quiet inside.

It wasn't unusual, Henry often came home to be welcomed with the same heavy silence and cold emptyness. Though now it felt somehow different. He knew, that her mother didn't like loudness, nor was she noisy herself. Even when she worked in the kitchen she moved so gracefully, that she hardly made any sound. The realisation caused a pang in Henry's stomach, her mother often acted as if she preferred to seem invisible, unnoticed while being at home. Why? Not to disturb him? Was it her way of hiding herself, to be able to get deeper into her thoughts, into her dreams of a life where she was still loved? Pretend that she was still that innocent girl she used to be, sneaking out with her true love, Daniel, to steal kisses between riding lessons? Before she had met Snow and Rumplestiltskin and everything got bad what was still good in her life, including herself?

Henry wondered if their home got even more quieter after he started to act distant toward her. After he learned that he was adopted, after he started to question her love toward him.

Snow and Henry walked farther into the mansion, their bad feeling growing with each step as the boy kept calling for his mother. But no answer came.

"I'll check upstairs." Snow said finally as Henry continued in the direction of the livingroom after nodding to his grandma. But Snow could only take one step up the stairs, when Henry's fear-filled voice stopped her. She immediately rushed back to her grandson and couldn't close her mouth from the shock as she came to a halt right behind Henry.

"Oh God, what happened here?" She exhaled, eyes wide. Neither of them could get over their shock for seconds, neither of them could muster enough strength to step inside and keep on searching for Regina among the ruins.

Everything was upside-down, like if a tornado sweeped over the whole room. All Regina's luxurious belongings were either lying on the floor shattered, hangig torn from the crystal chandelier or resting ungracefully on the damaged furniture. Henry wondered if magic could repair this much. He only knew that his legs started to move to carry him inside, when he heared the cracks coming from under his shoes. Whits of various materials were breaking some more under his weight, while in his head he was still trying to cope with the damage she had done. And seeing the massive combustion made him even more worried of what condition are they going to find his mom in.

It was a single bare foot what got Henry's eyes first, resting unmoving on the soft surface of the cream-coulored sofa. The other parts of her body being blocked out secretly by the sofa's back-rest. His heartbeat rose instantly while he sped up his steps, shouting mom once again in fear.

"Henry, maybe you shouldn't..." Snow said, trying to stop Henry, but he pulled his arm free from her protective grasp, not letting anyone stop him from approaching his mother.

"Mom!" Henry tried again, sinking to his knees between the broken coffee table and the couch, what had seen better days. Glass shards were cutting through his pants into his flawless skin. Marking him, as so many other things had already despite his young age, marking his innocent soul forever.

This is what Snow was afraid of. Seing Regina broken, injured or even worse; fearing that Regina's condition will have a bad effect on Henry. He had already seen too many horrible things for a twelve year old. But her worry subsided as she looked at her grandson. Henry's maturity enchanted her as he stroked Regina's hair out of her face, took her hands in his and let a light kiss touch the woman's forehead, whispering 'please' pleadingly. They both heared and also saw her breathing, than why wouldn't she wake up than? What was wrong with her?

"Mom, mom!" He started to shake her a little bit, suddenly loosing his patience, too overwhelmed with worry.

"Henry?" Regina whispered finally, after an unintentional moan, which sounded too close to a whimper for Snow's liking.

"Mom, are you okay?" Henry asked concerned when he saw his mother's confused demenour. Her sad eyes already busy in checking her surroundings, maybe even surveying the damage in the room.

"You shouldn't be here." She continued with her deep voice, still lying unmoving on the sofa.

"But mom, don't you remember? We were supposed to have brekfeast together." Explained Henry being a bit taken aback, but not forgetting his main task here, wanting to cheer her mother up so desperately.

"Oh... I'm sorry." She apologised, suddenly feeling more guilty. "I should have woken up earlier, so I would have been able to clear this mess up before you arrive." She continued, sitting up slowly, with some difficulty.

"Regina, are you hurt? Did someone do this? Or was it y...?" With her voice soft and caring, Snow overrun her with questions, already knowing the answere from the look of Regina's down cast face, which was smudged from her mascara, due to her previously shed tears. Trying not to injure herself as sitting down in the middle of this disaster -right next to her former stepmother, the princess' well shaped eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

* * *

"I am fine. Please, do not worry about me." She sighed, busy in trying to compose herself in front of them who were her only family, no less. Though she still thought she shouldn't look completely broken before them. But she felt extremely drained after using that much magic last night, not having enough energy to pretend to be okay anymore. And beside that, the constant crying and anger made her head hurt terribly.

"Mom, you don't really look fine to me. Gran, what do you think?" Henry said looking expectedly at Snow, wanting to join their forces to win over his mom's stubbornness.

"I aggree." Snow answered smiling, so sweetly it made Regina's stomack turn.

" I only need a nice shower, that's all." She insisted weakly.

"All right then. And also some breakfast. With us. No objections!" Snow said cheerfully, but also with determination, and Regina was too tired to argue with this sickeningly helpful Snow White. She let her in already, she just hoped it wasn't a mistake.

Snow walked her up and into her bathroom, too worried to let Regina climb the stairs on her own only because she swayed a little after finally standing up from the sofa. She was acting with so much care toward Regina that it was almost consuming. Almost. Snow somehow knew where and when to stop with her former stepmother, and Regina admired her for this. At least until the moment she started to talk about faith and hope. The same old Charming tale to have faith, and hope for a happy ending.

Hope. She didn't even know what it meant. Was this her time to use it? Should she hope this time? Hope to get her happy ending finally? Was hope meant for her too? Snow seemed so sure about it. And as soon as the former Evil Queen heared that magical word, her mind lost every contact with the real world. And she did start to hope.

She hardly remembered anything Snow said after that. She didn't remember Henry saying anything, only his curious brown eyes studying her constantly.

Much later, when Snow said her goodbye, eyes shining with hope, looking pleased with herself, did Regina realise that they previously agreed in Henry staying for the night.

During the afternoon mother and son managed to clear the mess in the livingroom almost completely. First they both started with surveying the damaged items, Henry even collected some debris to waste. Regina, on the other hand was sadly picking up the head piece of a broken horse statuette. Her eyes going purple, finally gaining back her strength, she continued by using her magic instead, rearranging the whole room in mere seconds.

"Let's watch a movie, Henry." She suggested, sitting down a bit exhausted.

"Good idea mum." He said, eyes still big from amusement.

* * *

Robin came again that evening. She could say they were lucky Henry was already sleeping upstairs.

Did he come because he already had enough time to think? No. His visit wasn't about that. Not at all. He came to take her. To take her desperately, right after they shared a few silent words. Greetings, nothing more really. Then he stepped inside the dark, cold building, only to take what he came for, what he wanted: her. Hard and fast against the white wall, right near the pretty little windows, framing the big white door of her mansion.

White. White was definitely not her color, or was it? Her home in Storybrooke was mostly white, and that was where she felt the safest ever. What a contradiction.

White surrounded them in the darkness. It seemed that every various surface around them was shining in the moonlight. How could ever their so called true love shine brightly under these circumstances? It felt so wrong and unreal. Love of soulmates forced to materialise secretly in the shadows. Kisses had to be stealed, like it's a crime.

So unfair. So not what she dreamed of, what she hoped for.

And yes, he also came to take something away from her. Not intentionally, no, but he did it anyway. He took away her hope, that pityful, pathetic hope of hers.

So childish.

So desperate.

At first her expectations rose as he whispered sweetly how he missed her, and that he couldn't sleep with Marion. They couldn't do it, because he only wanted her, he wanted only Regina.

If he wanted her, than he came to choose her. She thought it would mean that. No, she wanted his words to mean that, but deep down she knew they just didn't. But she wanted him close nevertheless, because she feared she would never have him again. And she wanted to be touched and loved like never before, she felt like a horny teenager making out behind her parent's back. While a tiny voice kept whispering into her ear steadily, that this will hurt in the end, but she refused to listen to it.

He used her as she used him just the same. That was the painful truth and she hated him for that. She hated herself even more and suddenly the urge to crush something again got unberable. Though she managed to roughen their encounter instead of doing anything more deadly.

She believed, that she deserved this short time with him, and she also believed, that she deserved the pain what would come after. After he leaves, while taking away her pride, and with it her whole facade. When he leaves he will take everything with him. Mostly her hope. Because she didn't want to be his secret lover, she didn't want to have an affair with him. In the darkness, hiding between shadows. She wouldn't be able to pretend that it was enough for her.

As they were tangled in each other he kept on pushing her back forcefully into the wall. Her slender legs hugging his strong hips, her hands holding onto his neck, keeping him close as long as she was able to. All the while she tried desperately to move against him, to increase the contact. He used his teeth on her skin multiple times, and she was somehow grateful for the phisical pain. She would love to feel him on her a bit longer than his actual touches. Something to help her remember. Or rather to help her forget him, to remember how he treated her, how he used her. Cheating on his wife with her, that bastard.

She was no better to say the least. No, she was even worse.

She tried to stay quiet, but her peek was just too intense. And suddenly the lights were switched on, the total whiteness blinding them.

* * *

"Mom? Are you okay? I heared noises." Henry shouted from upstairs.

"Everything is fine, Henry, go back to bed." She answered after clearing her throat, trying to sound calm and composed between laboured breaths.

"Mom? Is there someone with you?" He asked, his curiosity not lessening. Then they could hear his irregular, almost jumping footsteps coming down the stairs. Both Regina and Robin started fiercely rearranging their appeariance. With surprisingly big success in no time.

"Why is he here?" Henry, the man of the house questioned his mother, not yet reaching the bottom of the stairs, pointing his finger at the intruder.

"Everything is okay, Henry. He was already going." Regina pleaded with her son, not wanting to witness a fight between these two.

"Yes, I'm..." Robin also tried to reassure the teenager, but the boy cut in his words, not caring at all what the thief had to say, having now eyes only for his mother.

"Mom, your lips." He was descending the remaining few steps faster to finally stand in front of Regina. All the while keeping two of his fingers on his own upper lip showing her the exact place. "Did he hurt you?"

"No..." She breathed, denying it with conviction and also with a slight shake of her head. But her sad eyes and the pool of moisture in them told another story. Her mask was slipping more easily these days. She touched her lip with shaking fingers, the tips of the middle and index finger coming away painted with red. Then she licked the spot unintentionally, swallowing a silent hiss.

"I'm sorry." Robin said, suddenly worried, taking a step toward Regina to offer comfort, but he stopped dead when Henry jumped between the two of them.

"You should be." Henry warned him, fire dancing in his eyes.

* * *

"Go Robin, please." Regina whispered shaken. She never imagined this evening ending like this. With herself in pain both phisical and emotional, with Henry almost witnessing them being together. Henry protecting her, like a knight in shining armour. But non of this changed the fact that Robin had to go. It was over. It was already over yesterday. He shouldn't even have come. Hope was not her friend, not now, not ever.

"Yes, go. And don't ever come back!" The boy shouted angrily.

And Robin left finally, but only after he had watched Regina concerned for some minutes. As she was on the verge of tears, leaning against her son for support. He did this to her... Then he whispered a hollow 'I'm sorry', which Regina was not sure meant anything to her anymore. It shouldn't though.

She started to cry as soon as the door closed, leaving behind the smell of forest again. It is going to make her sick. It is on her, too she realized. And this heavy smell was growing unberable.

She tried to muffle her sobs, hide her face from her son, but he was no fool. He slowly guided her up the stairs without a word spoken.

Henry will never know how grateful she was for him to be there for her. She wouldn't have had the strength to send Robin away by herself. She would definitely have kissed and hugged him until he had said that he had no more time for her and he had to go back to his wife. Stupid, desperate Regina. Now though, because of Henry he won't even dare to come close to her. Her little knight will protect her from further heartbreak. This thought brought a slight smile to her teary face.

She cleaned and changed herself with magic, not having enough strength to shower or dress normally. Henry climbed into bed nex to her, the two of them cuddling comfortably under the heavy duvet. Regina's sniffs broke the silence every now and than, but soon both mother and son were sleeping peacefully.

* * *

I hope you don't hate Robin or Henry too much... Or me for making them the way they acted... They will come around!

I missed so much Henry and Snow being there for Regina in the first two eps. Hope they will do something about it...

And for those who are waiting for an update of Her Secret, I promise it will come soon. And it is going to be so unexpected! Haha!


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